Journal Week 2

I feel that the Holy Spirit really wanted me to repent of my little sins because I've only been focusing on my big sins. My little sins consisted of: Self-image, people-pleasing, attention from girls, taming my tongue, comparing myself to others mainly on appearance, and worldly possessions. I started repenting because on Tuesday, Darlene talked about how when she started repenting of her little sins, her part of ministry took off and things started to multiply. She said she did not want to multiply a big mess, so she humbly asked God for forgiveness. Because I too wanted a personal revival/multiplication of his blessings, wrote to five people apology letters on Facebook. Then I fasted the lunch on that day.

Because of this "soul surgery," I felt heavy hearted because all these memories of my failures and negative thoughts came back as I was praying. I know that once I had the surgery, I needed time to recover, so I'm in the phase of letting God take control. However, I do feel heavy. Also, I've been having dreams consistently, which consisted of random things from something bad happening to my brother, family, and people from this base. I don't feel in my spirit that negative things are happening to the, specifically, but I do think that this is an indication that my mind is still not in peace and I'm still thinking of home, dwelling on fear and anxiety. I see the need to really let God take control.

I'm looking forward to finding peace and rest in Him. I felt pretty distracted by the people here. Because it's really fun hanging out. But I felt the need to kind of take a step back and focus on God. He's the reason why I'm here. I'm not here just to make new friends. This weekend I rededicated my life to God, that I would give him 100%. But even at church as I was singing "All I want is you, Lord", I was thinking of something else. Aside from finding peace, I want to focus on making Jesus my all this week and more - It's one thing to confess my sins saying 'God I'm sorry I didn't give you my 100% - but to actually work on giving him 100% is a battle I must fight with the help of the Holy Spirit. I need him more, more than yesterday.

Isiah 41: 9-10. 1 Corinthians 10:31

Journal Week 1

I believe that throughout the lectures this week, He is asking me to be freed from carrying the spirit of Martha and learn to simply receive from the roots, in order to bear fruit that will last (John 15:16-17). To be treasure hunters - always seeking, looking, and searching for more of Him. Asking how will you speak to me today? What will you show me today? Another point that hit me to love God as a husband does to a wife. This is a difficult idea to see as a man, but I'm beginning to place him at the center of my romance. He is a jealous God and I sense that he longs for my attention, and I'm beginning to long for his attention.
Throughout the week, I've been getting to know the people here pretty well. Because I had difficulty with a girl issue right before I came to New Zealand - close female friend back at home - this has been on my radar. The beginning of the week, I had a hard time focusing on God because I kept on looking around for a potential wife. I asked God multiple times to free me of these thoughts because I already know He has chosen someone for me. There is no need for me to be tempted while I'm on a journey specifically for me to pursue only God. I am looking to give God my 100%, not 99% God and 1% Girlfriend.
I also had difficulty giving my all to Jesus because I kept thinking of my current family. Family is one of my biggest idols. Because of my upbringing (broken family), I long to be a great dad, brother, son, and husband. So it's important for me to provide for my current family and look to start my future family. At church, I prayed to God to free me of anxiety I have on my current family (finances, health, well-being) and my future family (wife, career/security). I am trusting that God will take control of my attention because He assured me that it is a new beginning. Everyday his mercies are new and He will fill the needs of my family, current and future. Colossians 3:1-2 says to set your eyes on things above, not what is here on earth. I've been meditating on how God feels about me from heaven, how He loves me so much. I've been more in love with Him through the beauty that He has been showing me in the land of New Zealand, especially the sky - in its vastness, symbolizing His unending faithfulness, goodness and assurance. The scenery here helps me connect to the things above (heavenly realms) to what's present in my life.